


On the sidelines, unnoticed

by stepantrofimovic



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Mild Angst, Phil Coulson-centric, Pre-Season/Series 03, Season/Series 03 Spoilers, lots of references to phantom pains
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-27 08:26:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5041195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stepantrofimovic/pseuds/stepantrofimovic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"No, it’s not the team’s fault that Phil has no purpose here. It’s no one’s but his own. And this state of affairs gets even more glaringly obvious in moments like this, when the rest of the team shows how much they’ve grown together, and Phil is stuck on the sidelines, watching."</p>
            </blockquote>





	On the sidelines, unnoticed

**Author's Note:**

> Some of you might have noticed, from my very sporadic presence on tumblr these days, that I haven't exactly had an awesome couple of weeks. Then I saw [this picture](http://i.imgur.com/O9k1NIj.jpg), and lo, I decided to write ~1000 words of pointless navel-gazing from Coulson's perspective. You're welcome. I'm taking advantage of the few hours I have left before the next episode airs to post this.
> 
> Please take note that (a) this is 100% canon compliant, at least until the next episode airs -- and yes, that includes Age of Ultron; (b) Coulson's feeling in this fic are in no way representative of the way I feel about the new season. I'm enjoying it a lot. I just assume that Phil doesn't.

It should be a comforting view, a rare sign of happiness in these troubled days – something like that. Sk– _Daisy_ has just come back from a short reconnaissance mission – nothing troublesome whatsoever, but lately, with Simmons’ disappearance weighing heavily on everyone’s mind and May still off the radar, even a brief absence is enough to rouse the rest of the team’s protective instincts. Which explains why Skye had barely stepped off the plane _(and it’s Daisy now, Daisy, sorry, he can_ _never_ _get it right_ _on the first try_ _)_ when she found herself surrounded by an overly-enthusiastic Hunter and a barely-more-restrained Mack.

The three of them are now performing what Phil, if he didn’t know better than to admit such thoughts even to himself, would call a decent imitation of a puppy pile. Hunter is all but pasted along Daisy’s side _(see? he got it right this time)_ , his face smushed up against hers, eyes closed in a perfectly relaxed expression, like he has no doubt that he belongs right there. Both him and Daisy are leaning against Mack, who took the most natural position, with his arms around their backs in a towering bear hug. He’s smiling with his eyes proudly open, unlike his teammates, but underneath the pride (for Daisy, of course – and she deserves it, no one doubts that she does) Phil can see the same simple joy of having his friend back home. As for Daisy – Daisy, as usual, is the most beautiful sight, leaning against Mack just a little, her gauntlet-encased hands coming up to grip his arm. She’s smiling as well, but her eyes are closed, and yet her face is so full of wonder and bliss and simple _belonging_ that Phil feels his heart constrict in his chest. And that, right there, is the problem.

It should be, as Phil had thought right from the start, a comforting view. There should be nothing dearer to him than seeing the members of his team happy.

He takes a deep breath and consciously unclenches his fists. _Fist._ Damn it. He doesn’t know what’s more unsettling, the pins-and-needles of pain that shoot through his left arm, or the definite sensation of moving fingers that are not there.

He isn’t wearing the prosthetic arm. Not that it makes much of a difference, to be honest – the pain is always there, independently from the presence or absence of anything solid below his elbow, and the plastic hand feels just as useless as a stump. Sure, if he could hear him, Fitz would point out that the prosthesis is anything but plastic, and then he would probably start rattling off the names of all the polymers he used for the structure, many of which he synthesized himself. Fitz, however, is not here to point out Phil’s factual mistakes – he’s not even on base. Phil knows, despite Bobbi’s persistence in covering for his absence. Not that he’s going to say anything. These days, he’s really better off staying silent.

Besides, what use would it be to point out that Fitz is away, when Phil is unable to help him with his search?

Except there’s no search. Not much use in denying that. Simmons is dead, May’s gone and not coming back, and Skye is Daisy now. Hoping to change any of these things is about as productive as waiting for Phil’s arm to grow back.

Or, for that matter, as useful as hoping he will find a purpose again.

Yeah, because Phil isn’t kidding himself: right now, as Daisy and Mack quickly grow into a team of their own (a team that will, hopefully, be expanded soon), Hunter makes plans for his solo mission and Fitz and Bobbi are differently focused on their respective issues, his own role within SHIELD amounts to a paradoxical zero. He’s a leader without a team to lead. Or, rather – it would be unfair to pin the blame on the team. After all, Daisy and Mack have always been very considerate in including him every time they do their (increasingly more dismaying) headcount: _our team is down to three men_ , they say, _the Three Musketeers_ – even, on one memorable occasion, the Good, the Bad and the Ugly. They’d been adamant that Phil was the Good, that time. Phil had laughed. They’d thought he was amused.

No, it’s not the team’s fault that Phil has no purpose here. It’s no one’s but his own. And this state of affairs gets even more glaringly obvious in moments like this, when the rest of the team shows how much they’ve grown together, and Phil is stuck on the sidelines, watching.

Phil knows he should join them, greet Daisy with all the affection he feels and she deserves. But he looks at her, and instead of seeing how much she’s grown, how she’s ready to take her place as a capable leader, he still can’t help but see Skye. It’s the same reflex that leads him to check May’s bunk every morning, half expecting to find her there, or down in the gym doing tai chi. The same reflex that makes him almost forward the new data on the Terrigen’s spread to Simmons’ email address rather than Bobbi’s at least half of the times.

It’s the same mechanism that lies behind the phantom feeling in his left arm. His brain, still unused to the missing nerve-endings. To the missing persons.

All pieces of himself, in a way. Like the suits and ties he isn’t wearing any more, because there’s no way he’s getting the fine motor control he needs for that back anytime soon. If ever.

Clint loved to say that Phil’s ties were a physical manifestation of his very self. Unsurprisingly, he hasn’t expressed that sentiment in a while. Maybe Phil should bring it up, just to enjoy Clint’s predictably panicked reaction.

Or, maybe, trying to shift the blame for his current, awful state of mind onto his best friend is not what you’d call a healthy coping mechanism. This doesn’t mean that calling Clint is a bad idea. On the contrary – it’s been a while since they last spoke, and these days Clint’s voice is one of the few things that manages to keep Phil grounded. Plus, Laura and the kids will probably want to say hi. They weren’t home last time. Yes, this is what Phil should do – call a friend, relax, take his mind off things. Not stay here, backed against a wall of the main hangar, letting the rest of his team remind him of how little he belongs with them.

After all, this is fine. This is all fine. Phil will retreat into his office, call Clint, relax, and try very hard not to think about the absurd inadequacy of a Director of SHIELD who needs to _take his mind off things_.

He pushes himself off the wall and quietly walks away. Daisy, Hunter and Mack are chattering about a COD raid. Phil slips out of the door towards his office, unnoticed.

**Author's Note:**

> By the way, I'm sure I saw the original picture on tumblr, but I didn't save it and so I lost it irreparably. The imgur link was the best I could find, but if anyone can point me to the source I'd be very grateful.
> 
> As usual, you can [find me on tumblr](http://stepantrofimovic.tumblr.com/) if you want.


End file.
